I am A Stronger Writer when I am Emotionally Weak

I do write when I am emotional. I write more and definitely faster when I feel weak and sad. I guess that's the same for a lot of people. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe despair or sadness really makes me thrive on things I desire. Or maybe I'm just too overly dramatic of things. Artists are always thought to be like this. I guess I'm one of them.

I'm Rachel, 24. I'm a single mom to a five-month old baby and doing online freelance work for the past few months. I host travelers in my tiny apartment for free and go out with them or have long talks over dinner or before they sleep, squeezing all these in my very busy work schedule. I am planning to go to business while working, and study something more related to my interests soon, maybe Psychology, Liberal Arts, Literature or Theatre. To sum it up, I do plan to be superwoman in the very near future, just like how people describe me.

I find writing for me as an avenue of expression. I can't really write everything I am thinking about, there's just too much on my mind and only a few words I can type a minute (based on a typing speed website). I think most of the writing I did was on my mind. I tried to write more the past few months, but for some reason, I will always fall short of my personal expectations. I find that writing while thinking if people will like what I write is something that might never work for me, because I end up doing what I want and hopelessly wanting people to be inspired. Or maybe, I just need to learn some marketing skills. I think I am born to be one of those people who will always feel as happy as a girl with a big, fancy diamond ring when reading a good book at a quiet coffee shop in a big busy city. And I love to brag how these simple things and my beautiful smile makes who I am. I am more of a person living life and learning how to write to try to capture everything. And when I grow old, I do want to read these back, just like going through good pictures from the past. Or maybe just drink coffee.

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This is something I wrote for my first project in an online writing class. If anyone wants to see how this works, please visit the thread I created.

https://class.coursera.org/composition-001/forum/thread?thread_id=15432

Which Question To Ask

I just watched Amanda Palmer. Fell in love with her. Something about what she said gave me chills and made me awe in utter amazement. Asking makes you vulnerable. And she’s right. It’s a little hard to explain but I think I understand what she’s trying to convey through all the countless times I felt really afraid, very afraid and hesitant, to ask questions. Asking gives away the control to someone else. I’m just so impressed at how a person can live freely, making herself this vulnerable and available to the world, and in turn making herself receive more. It's like asking the world how much love she can give you and having her respond to you continuously, never wanting to stop. Knowing which questions to ask. I still have these goosebumps. Amanda opened herself to the world and the world just gave her everything her heart could carry. No. Actually,  more than what her heart could ever carry. It’s an overflow. I can feel it ebbing through her video. I can feel it coming from who she really is. And I just can't stop listening. 

www.ted.com --- Amanda Palmer

The Rules of Engagement

No internet. This could be a perfect excuse as to why I shouldn’t start noble things. By noble, I mean the necessary things to sustain myself. I will then forcefully push myself to write every day for the next 21 days or until it becomes easy as breathing. This is essential. It will equate to how I will be committed to the things I desire to do. And writing has always been one of them, unconsciously. I should make plans, and I should commit myself to them, no matter what it takes. There is nothing more horrifying in life than having to give up the things that matter to you because you decide to do the things you think are necessary for the mean time. There should always be an ulterior motive to everything, even spontaneity. There is nothing wrong in losing your way. But it will always be dangerous to get lost on your destination. If this is unclear, then you are purposely making yourself a part of the bigger crowd who just lives life because they have to, not knowing why they have to. There is nothing wrong with the occasional pause, but it should never be a cover for your defocus, nor should it replace the enthusiasm of being grateful for a chance to fail every day and still live another day.

Who should I be?

At 24, it is a pain to still not know what you want to attain, or at least don’t start to plan because there is no vaguest way of how you should start. Everything starts with a dream. Let me present my dreams in no order whatsoever.

1.       Travel the world to meet people, learn culture, experience diversity, attempt to understand the world and have endless opportunities of great conversation.

2.       Travel the world with Han.

3.       Write a novel.

4.       Write an autobiography.

5.       Perform in a theatre, in a stage or an unconventional place.

6.       Passive income from something you love doing.

7.       Working and knowing you are doing it because while you earn, you are doing something you would die doing.

8.       Eat your preferred food.

9.       Play and write music.

10.   Be a playwright.

11.   Write screenplays.

12.   Be a part of a TV series.

13.   Combine humor and work.

14.   Grow every day with a partner you would always choose to grow with.

15.   Write about what you are thinking and have millions read about it.

16.   Inspire people to go for their dreams, or at least make the first step.

17.   To tell your parents it’s perfectly okay to never think about money and living because they can depend on you.

18.   An open mind.

19.   An accepting heart.

20.   A boundless spirit.

21.   To have tough values but realize when to bend.

22.   To grow like the bamboo.

23.   Saying “No”.

24.   Managing enthusiasm and motivation instead of the unfruitful attempt to always manage time.

25.   Knowing that your priorities, however people disagree, should never be taken for granted.

26.   Limitations are subjective.

27.   English literature is my first language.

28.   To write some more.

29.   A southwestern home vibe but actually operates with advance technology.

30.   The immaculate bathroom.

31.   The gadgets.

32.   The authentic feeling of knowing you are free.

33.   Love with all its beauty.

34.   The faith of a child.

35.   Dreaming like how everyone should dream.

36.   Be always Abnormal. Above what is normal.

37.   To have all these and more complete the question who I should be. 

The Creation

Between the dirty room and the messy computer desk, the uneaten rice and the big, empty bottle of water, the bank account no. on paper,  and the hard rock song on play, the bills, the expenses, the debts, the work, the cancelled work, the jobhunt, the sleepless days and nights, the endless chats and video calls, the baby wails, the taunts, the family grumpings and the million plans and endeavors, there's Rachel, there's me. And you know what's so queer about this? Is that all the time, I acted okay. It's not really just an act and I don't know what to exactly call it right now or if I want to think about what to call it right now, but all I want is just to go back to one part of myself that I have missed, and it's this, my blogging. I seriously never blogged for a million light years and I don't know if there's a part of me who maybe wants to write something useful for people to see and react on, but the realization just now that, hey, this is my blog, I'm supposed to be who I am here, won over all those thoughts. Now, I will just write until I feel that it's enough. And then write some more. Maybe one day, I will look back at these posts and say hey, this was me, look at how I've changed. Honestly, I want that. But for now, for one of these quite seldom moments, I will allow myself to succumb to my fears and sadness and I will write about just being human. My name's Rachel. And I'm 24. I now live in a world where I am supposed to work for my own and for an adorable, little, pumpkin pie. I sleep less, I work hard, and I dream harder. I try to reach the world through the seamless power of the web. I touch everything with the ideas of my mind. And yet I feel powerless. That, to me, is a sin. And now, I will day to day dance with the wind as I travel the relentless but palpable beauty of the earth. I will not stop, or most likely, my spirit will not stop, until it reaches its personal utopia. This is my ego. And in a world where people get easily mixed up with what's surreal and what's necessary, I, with this blog, create THE ALTERNATIVE PERFECTION.